My name is Kyle. Pretty simple enough...not enough syllables to really gain interest from anybody in a crowded room..but hey, I live with it. I live in a just as simple enough city in Southeast, Georgia where as a teenager...the only activities were to find an isolated dirt road to set off fire works...go frog gigging...the occasional smoke fest behind the Wal-Mart or go downtown and hope to god there was a decent punk band/acoustic act playing in one the coffee shops. Of course, at that time in my youth...the only real thing on my mind was trying to find a decent piece of ....wait, I'm getting off track..just a tad.
I'm 32 years old now, a happily married man and proud father of the apocalyptic duo known as my daughter Mary(3 years old) and my son Logan(14 months.)....and oh yea, I've recently found myself unemployed for the first time since I was 15 years old.
I'm a sloppy teenage 32 year old who still buys every Madden game, the midnight release of course..and enjoys throwing my socks, shirts, pants and anything else I can take off my body in a big pile of mush in my bedroom. I have my hobbies, I play the drums, collect sports cars..I am a football fanatic, and yes..that means Fantasy Football as well..I sometimes find my cell phone in places I don't remember putting it...I still think that the dish washer is for washing dishes..and for me to wash the dishes and put them in the dish washer..and I DVR every episode of Workaholics, The League and South Park. I don't do the laundry correctly, EVER! I honestly think..browns, blacks...greys....you know..should be washed with reds and pinks..I mean..really..who gives a shit, right? Wrong!.....I'll tell you who...
My wife, Heather, is an OCD neat freak who enjoys the smell of bleach and is, in my honest opinion, a pyromaniac but is also the most outstanding mother I've ever known. She actually decided to accept my proposal five years ago and get hitched to this mess of a man. It's worked out so far...I don't know how..but it has. She's smart, beautiful, wise and of course...absolutely insane. Not just because she married this guy, but at times..I think I piss her off to the point where she just might hack off a finger one day...because I'm always sticking that one finger in the peanut butter jar. By the way, I'm already missing one finger from a a very chaotic experience with an exercise bike in my youth...so any more fingers getting slashed off may consist of me losing my Madden privileges..for life.We fight like any other couple, but we usually laugh when we do it....actually I should rephrase that..I usually laugh...and she usually doesn't....and then I start cleaning hysterically to see if that will make it better...which in case if you're wondering.....it doesn't.
Life's great though, in all seriousness..my marriage couldn't be happier. I love Heather..and I love my two kids..and I would do anything to put a smile on their face...and they would do anything to make sure I lose my shit every 15-20 minutes...that's a fact.
My beautiful daughter Mary has the vocabulary of a drunken sailor, which for the longest time..I thought was just a phase..and considered it partially cute at times. Nothing like your three year old losing at "Angry Birds"..and hear her telling the game "You stupid Tard-Ass!" But now, I have to go into daddy mode...try my hardest not to laugh..and set it straight for her.....because she's now got other more extreme phrases that she actually uses out in public....and I usually push her into another aisle and pretend she's not mine. -- I kid!!....I just politely ask her...with tears in my eyes.....wait until we get into the car honey.....I love her to death, she is my joy. And she wants to drive me crazy..it's what three year olds do.
My awesome son Logan.....well, the moment he started walking...AT EIGHT MONTHS!!!!! I was constantly pushing him back down and saying "Not just yet...TOO SOON!" Well now, he's climbing..and running...mostly into walls....he's recently Die-Harded himself out of the crib as if he were Bruce Willis...a straight 4 1/2 foot drop on the ground...he's....special. And I love him just the same...but can't find a helmet that fits his bruised head. He eats everything in his path and the cats fear him as if he were the actually physical form of some feline plague.
And now..I find myself...unemployed and full time dad. And this starts my adventure.
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